Fellow citizens, for too long we have tolerated this present evil! For too long the lurking horrors have darkened our streets and various shopping establishments. For too long our children have been at the mercy of fate, often facing this hideous menace with no warning and no defense. It is time. Time to bring about the END OF THE COMB OVER!

It is a mystery as old as time itself- why does a man of otherwise average intelligence allow his head to be mutated into the horrible monstrosity we know as the comb-over? Why does a man whose head follicles have begun to dwindle let the darkness take his brain and allow himself to believe that, by growing out the side of his hair, and combing it over the bald spot, he will mask the ever growing patch of hairlessness on his dome and appear as he did in his youth? Why does a man with a degree in science, or a job as an educator, or even simple access to a mirror and the basics of logic, allow himself to drag the sad few remaining hairs from as far away as his ears, all the way across the surface of his skull in a piteous attempt to cover the majority of scalp with such a clear minority of hair?

I have two theories as to why this is. The first is this: Some men are very delicate. The fact that they are balding is a subconscious attack on their manhood/machismo, so they revert to denial. The comb over says, about their balding, “If I can’t see it, it’s not really there!” It starts out small. The part in their hair moves over a little one day. Over the course of the years, that part moves further and further from center until it starts just above the sideburns on one side. All the while denial continues to creep in. Eventually they have their entire head covered by eleven hairs, all a foot long and originating at his left ear. And for some reason that hair starts to get yellowish. It’s all jaundiced and nasty, and anytime there is the slightest breeze, the wad of hair shifts all together, further emphasizing the sad attempt to cover what is, essentially, a head without hair. Rather than face the glaring truth of their bald and glaring head, they have managed to convince themselves that eleven hairs looks no different than the thousands of hairs did thirty years ago. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. It’s a crying shame.

Aside from the delicate self-image, a man will resort to a comb over because something fundamentally important is missing in his life: a woman. One can always tell when a man is under the influence of a woman, and when he is not. Left to their own devices, men will forgo various physical concerns, like shaving, getting regular hair cuts, washing their clothes, or making any attempt to look human. The cave man is not the ancient past of all humanity, it’s the inevitable end result of a man being left without feminine influence for too long. Those pictures you see in various high school science books of cave men are actually modern day men who have remained bachelors long into their adult lives. The only things missing in those images are the television and the comb over.

Most women would eventually get to the point where they would say, “Honey, your hair looks terrible. Do you really think you’re fooling anyone by sweeping your dwindling hair over like that? Just shave your head and salvage a little dignity.” And then they would take him shopping for clean shirts, pants without holes in them, and a decent electric razor. When God said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” this is exactly what He was talking about.

So, men, let us reach into our hearts and find the strength to face the truth. When your hair recedes, stand strong and tell your barber, “Cut my hair so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m going bald.” And ladies, you have been put on this earth for a purpose- to help men. Help them see the futility of self-denial. Help them have some fashion sense and hygiene. And help them have some self-respect. If we work together, we can change the world for future generations. We can end the comb over in our lifetime!


About rentafriend2000
Rocking my 40's with a heart full of love and muffins, science and technology. Jesus loves me and wants me to totally rock! And I am here to help.

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