The Gospel According to Internet Atheists (Episode I- The Virgin Jewess)

The story we call the Gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ, told in a book known as “The Bible.” If you’ve been living out from under a rock, you have heard this book referenced in all kinds of different media- from TV and movies to popular magazines and maybe even- if your denomination is particularly conservative- in church. It was not long ago that all churches used to talk about the Bible, but as of late they’ve been distracted by things like the Oprah Book Club, or any device whose name has a lower case “i” in front of its name.

Many people have made a good deal of noise (And let’s face it- money) by claiming to tell the TRUE history of the Bible, and by “TRUE” they mean “COMPLETELY different from story the church tells.” In short, the Church says, “The Bible is actual history and is true.” The alternate version says, “Liar, liar, religious pants on fire!” The debate has been violent, hateful, and has torn apart families, friendships and nations. And that’s just the comments on FaceBook.  Of course, I do not mean to imply that the people becoming rich by spreading these alternative histories are merely money grubbing scum bags. What I do mean to point out is, they have been getting rich, and so I figure I should give it a try. Also, they may be scum bags. I won’t rule that out just yet.

I will be explaining all of the historical and literary facts which support the traditional Christian view of the Bible in the not too distant future. However, before I try and explain how we really got the Bible, I am going to tell as much of the alternate version as I can, after which I will write a few books with incendiary titles (“Was Jesus a Magical Cucumber? The Vegan Gospel”) and go on the lecture circuit. This story has made some pompous British bullies very rich, and I intend to cash in on their success. There are, admittedly, some holes in the story I am about to tell, but I will do my best to tell it anyway. In a few weeks I’ll start explaining why this story isn’t true, which isn’t difficult. This is one of those stories which only needs to be heard to not be believed. I have collected this version of the history of the church from many conversations with people and by watching debates and reading articles. It’s like mental poison ivy, but I do it for you. Here it is compiled into a single story. This is the Gospel according to a thousand angry atheists on the internet:

Episode I- The Virgin Jewess

Long long ago, in a Middle Eastern country Far, Far Away….

It was a time of political strife. The empire of Rome held control of the tiny nation of Israel. Israel wasn’t thrilled with this situation, and every now and then would try and throw off the shackles of oppression, only to get squashed like a bug on a windshield. Jewish uprisings had the same mantra of the Chicago Cubs: “Just wait till next year!” and the same success record. After years of Israel failing to win back their freedom, Rome added insult to injury when they replaced the Jewish ruler over Israel with a series of Gentiles. The first was a man called Herod the Great. He was called that because if you refused to call him that, he would kill you and anyone who looked like you, just to be sure. During his rule, he not only killed… excuse me, “aborted” every toddler in the suburb of Bethlehem, but also one of his wives and a few of his own sons just to name a few. So, yes, he was a psychotic, murdering despot. On the other hand he had a real flare for architecture. Once you scrubbed the blood off of the streets, Jerusalem looked fantastic!

Into this world, a tiny baby was born. His mother was a woman named Mary, and her husband was a carpenter named Joseph. I say “her husband” because the actual identity of this boy’s father would be a matter of some debate, and is even today. Rob Bell, in one of his incendiary and well selling books, suggests that MAYBE Jesus’ real father was some guy named Larry. This is of course, ridiculous, as no Jew in 1st century Palestine was named Larry. But it just goes to show that not every person purporting to tell the REAL story of the Bible did as much research as I did. He may have  been a Lawrence, perhaps, but NOT a Larry.

At some point the story began to be told that Mary was a virgin when she had her first son. We expect that this is rooted in the ancient mythical goddess worship of various religions such as Diana and Isis, or perhaps just because no boy wants to think of his mother having ever having had sex. Mary and her husband named the baby Jesus, and he probably grew up to be a carpenter like Joseph. We have very little information about his early years, which almost certainly means he spent most of his youth learning Buddhism in India before returning to Israel to start a new eastern cult religion. As some have pointed out, there are MANY similarities between Buddhism and Christianity, especially Buddhism.

Some time in his early thirties, this Jesus quit the blue collar trade and started traveling around telling people to be nice to each other. He seemed to be your run-of-the-mill, long-haired, power to the people Marxist who spoke out against the rich and told everyone to give to the poor and love other people and never judge anyone. I’m not sure what he said against the rich, but the liberals on Facebook are all fairly sure that this was his message, and who am I to question their story? The image I get is what would happen if you could cross Karl Marx with Mr. Rogers. Even now, everyone likes Jesus. Muslims are certain he was a good Muslim prophet. Mormons know he was a Mormon. Liberals might not be sure if he ever really existed, and they reject anyone who claims to know definitively what he taught, but they know for certain that he was a liberal. I have no doubt that, if you asked NASA, they would say he was an early supporter of government funded space exploration.

Because of the lack of solid evidence in the form of CNN interviews, what he taught and who he thought he was remain areas of fierce controversy. What we do know for certain is that he did NOT claim to be the unique Son of God whose death would somehow be the atoning sacrifice which pays for sins and makes us right with God. And he certainly never said anything against homosexuality. What many agree on is that he taught people to obey the laws of Moses and to pay their taxes to the Romans. Instead of taking sides in this bloody feud, Jesus taught a message of peace which included faithfulness to Jewish tradition and loyalty to Roman rule. When they saw the unity of his message and how it upheld everyone’s core beliefs and desires, the Jews and Romans- who for the centuries before this had been bitter rivals- decided to work together for once and kill him.

In the next installment I will explain how his noble, self-sacrificial death encouraged his once cowardly followers to find the boldness to fabricate wild lies for personal gain. And as we will see, it didn’t pay nearly as well as one would think. In the mean time, I’m going to wash my brain in calamine lotion to get the itch out.

About rentafriend2000
Rocking my 40's with a heart full of love and muffins, science and technology. Jesus loves me and wants me to totally rock! And I am here to help.

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