The Gospel According to Internet Atheists (Episode III- The Holy Roman Empire Co. Ltd.)

Welcome back, friends, to the TRUE story of the Bible and the Church (according to the collection of atheists on the internet). In this, the third and final installment, we will see how the church simultaneously created and destroyed Western Civilization and is to blame for everything that’s wrong with the wold, including mosquitoes, nuclear war, and Male Pattern Baldness.

Episode III- The Holy Roman Empire Co. Ltd. Bar and Grill

Over the thousand years after the conversion of the Roman Empire, the Catholic Church became everything the first disciples knew it could be- men in large hats becoming vastly rich and powerful by using religion to control people AND by using military force to spread religion. You may think that the church must have either used military force to spread the religion they thought was true OR they used religion as a tool to gain political and military power- but which it was depends on whether you are trying to accuse the church of being hypocritical, power hungry politicians who used religion for political gain or if you are trying to blame sincere religion for the various ills of the world. Try not to get bogged down in the details. Either one works just as well. The important thing is, the church got rich and powerful for a thousand years, so obviously it was corrupt and evil. When did you ever know a successful organization which was not corrupt and evil? Well, except for PETA, Apple, Greenpeace, Harpo Studios and the Obama Administration. But even Disney was full of Nazi sympathizers.

Within this time frame, the church copied the Bible mainly into Latin (Which no one spoke), and even went so far as to forbid writing it in the languages people did speak- but we’re pretty sure they kept changing it anyway, in case someone learned to read Latin and stumbled upon a copy. After all, when a religious text has been methodically altered to control the people, the last thing you want is for them to be able to get their grubby proletariat mitts on it and find out what it says. Just imagine the headache which would ensue.

Then Marty Luther came along and screwed that up. He decided to invent his own religion which he called “Lutheranism” because apparently he was none too creative with naming things. He translated the Bible into German so Germans could read it. This of course was a disaster for Rome since they had worked so hard to first create a text specifically to control the people and then worked so hard to hide it from the people. Now everyone was going to find out what it said. This has been the cause of horrible wars ever since, including The Hundred Year’s War, the Month and a Half’s War, and the War of Last Tuesday from around 3pm until just before Five.

Not to be outdone by the Germans, the English decided to have their own version of the Bible. King James saw what a good job the Romans had done controlling the people by having a Bible of their own, so he hired some people to write his own Bible to be used to give more power to the throne of England. Either the writers failed, or there are a huge number of people all over the world who keep missing the obvious Pro-English subtext in the KJV. I’m not sure which.  All we know for sure is, the Bible was changed again, further making it impossible to know what, if anything, the originals said.

In the several hundred years which have followed, many translations have popped up all over the place. Go to any Christian book store and you’ll find dozens of different versions of the Bible. It’s fairly obvious that there is no one RIGHT version, so it’s anyone’s guess which of them is closer to the original, if it ever existed at all. For all we know the original “Bible” was a Chinese Take-Out menu, but after two thousand years of translations, alterations, and corruptions, “Sweet and Sour Pork” may have wound up as the Sermon on the Mount. With no way to find out what the Bible used to say, we have no way of knowing what version, if any, comes close to telling us what the real Jesus was actually like. We don’t know anything he might have done or said. All we know for certain is, he never claimed to be the unique Son of God whose death would somehow be the atoning sacrifice which pays for sins and makes us right with God. THAT we know for certain.

The history of the church is littered with dead bodies and great festering pools of innocent blood and probably air pollution and a gigantic carbon footprint. Every major war, minor skirmish, or bar room brawl in the past two thousand years has been the fault of the church. Why, just look at the Spanish Inquisition! You know how many innocent people died in THAT church activity, don’t you? I hope you do, because I have no idea and I’m not in the mood to go looking up details. Speaking of which, let’s consider the crusades, where the power hungry and real estate devouring Church assaulted the good, peaceful, and completely innocent Muslims of the “Holy Lands” probably also killing untold millions of innocents. And don’t get us stared on the Salem Witch Trials! Obviously there is no such thing as witches, but if there was they were probably good, nature loving women concerned with protecting the environment by recycling. They were probably just midwifes, and just LOOK how many the church killed in New England in their blood thirsty, religiously motivated war on peace and nature! You’ll have to look elsewhere to see how many, because, like I said, I didn’t look up any actual numbers. But I think we can assume it’s huge.

The church has refused to embrace the OBVIOUS truth of Darwinian evolution and have thus rejected ALL of science. Sure, we have computers in every home and have put men on the moon, but it was no thanks to the church! If it was left to them, we’d still be living in mud huts and treating sickness by putting leaches on our bellies. Remember the Galileo case? He dared to make some scientific observations and the church had him burned at the stake! For science! And all because the Bible that they had written said the earth was flat and the sun went around us. Of course, this was when the Bible was still being written in Latin, so he might not have known what the Bible said about anything, let alone a model of solar centrism. And one might wonder why they didn’t just change the Bible to go along with the new science. They had been changing it periodically for hundreds of years. What would one little alteration be among so many? But for some reason they refused to make THAT change and so Galileo was hung or shot at dawn or something, all for being a scientist. And the persecution of science continued up to our own time when the church also had Darwin burned at the stake. That they later had his ashes buried beneath the floor of Westminster Abbey next to Issac Newton, doesn’t fool us one bit. The church hates science. Always has, always will. If we had time we would openly mock the “Creation Museum” for whatever it is they teach.

In closing, it is time for the godless, Liberal, tolerant, open-minded persons of this nation to come together and free ourselves from the tyranny of the religious past by making a world of peace and love based on science. Then, once the Christian Church sees that we don’t need them or their faith to make the world a kinder and gentler place, we will round them up and kill them like dogs in the street. After all, in today’s post-Christian America, the question is not, “What would Jesus do?” but rather, “What would I like to do, and how can I get someone else to pay for it?” And once the smoke clears, I hope that all of us, people of every age and color, will unite themselves with the bond that can only come by having bought my book about all of this at the full retail price.

The end.

Next week I can scrub the evil off of my soul and begin explaining the history behind the Bible and the Church and show you all how the posters and bloggers and face book combatants have missed the mark in the same way the Titanic missed docking at the right pier.

About rentafriend2000
Rocking my 40's with a heart full of love and muffins, science and technology. Jesus loves me and wants me to totally rock! And I am here to help.

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