Maybe the Atheists are onto something…

I was called a name recently which I had not been called before. A twit on twitter called me an “evolution denier.” Right off the bat I want to state for the record that, whatever differences we Creationists may have with the Evolutionists, and whatever heated arguments may be had with atheists, we should all agree that “evolution denier” would be a terrible name for a band.

But the accusation made me consider something I had not thought of before. Why are we Creationists trying so hard when the Atheists have set the bar so comfortably low? Let’s just take a few pages from their playbook and put up our feet and take it easy for a change! Here’s what I propose:

1. We will continue to say we think Evolution is a ridiculous religion for which there is no scientific evidence. But instead of calling ourselves “Creationists” we will call ourselves “evolution deniers.” Our official position is, we deny the evidence for evolution as insufficient. In fact, we will insist that this is all the word “Creationist” actually means- someone who isn’t convinced by evolution. People like Ken Ham are “Hard Creationists,” and it’s irrational to assume that ALL of us are the same kind of Creationist.

2. When the evolution believers ask us to defend our position, we will insist they not force the burden of proof on us when it CLEARLY belongs to them. After all, we’re not asserting a position, we’re simply saying we lack a belief in evolution. It’s them that needs to defend their ridiculous beliefs. And we will remind them that their extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

3. If an evolutionist provides evidence or arguments to defend evolution, we will ignore their evidence and arguments, make fun of them, call them names, and quickly change the subject. We will spend lots of time naming evil people who believe in evolution- like Hitler or Jeffery Dahmer.

4. We will then have a guy who used to have a popular kid’s show (and not a PhD in Biology) do popular debates against them. Someone see if Phil Visher wants this job. Or one of his puppets. That might actually be better.

This will save Creationists HOURS and HOURS of research and hard work creating lectures and lessons, web sites and books. We can be content merely to declare ourselves the side of “reason” and go on making fun of them for what they believe without offering any evidence or arguments for our position or against theirs. I can finally make use of my true spiritual gift- Sarcasm.

I’m sure you Creationists out there have already guessed that this whole article is sarcasm. But what I would like you all to do is to offer this as an alternative to those Atheists on the interwebs who already do this stuff. A taste of their own medicine. Hair of the dog that bit ya. Two can play at this game. See if they feel we should treat them like they treat us. But at the end of the day, we of course are called to make a reasoned defense of the faith and hope which we have, with kindness and respect, and above all, if we start a band, to give it a cool name. Something like “Visher’s Puppets.” That band sounds hard core.

Give me a G! (The Amazing Gospel!)

Your Rent a Friend is listening to Come Away by Jesus Culture

He is sick of being on antibiotics, but his job brings him in contact with middle school kids.

OK, let’s see here: We’ve taken Pascal’s wager, met an elephant, we’ve thought (And therefore we are), we’ve had dinner with Hitler, and seen how nature and the universe at large prove the existence of God. Whew! I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve hiked all across the existential map. Or at least the Metaphysical Map. I wonder how Dora the Explorer does it every day? That kid must be slamming cappuccino like there’s no tomorrow. I’ll bet that backpack of hers contains nothing but RedBull.

Now that we’ve seen why it makes sense to believe in God, the next logical question is “WHICH God?” The Hindus alone have 330 million of them (Which gives you a possible 900,000 holidays per DAY. The Hindu greeting card industry should be the wealthiest and most powerful in the universe!) Why should we take Pascal’s God along with his wager? I think the path we’ve already trod can tell us part of that already. Take the Kalam Cosmological argument for instance. It showed us how the universe is finite- meaning it doesn’t have an eternal past. So, right away we can discount those faiths that require an infinite past, like Mormonism. Also, the creator of the universe is non-material. That counts out the Flying Spaghetti Monster (AKA Bruce). I think it also counts out Mormonism again. Those guys don’t get a lot of breaks.

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I Think, Therefore I Scribble (Or: Cogito, Ergo Ducky)

Your Rent A Friend is Listening to The Fall, by Nora Jones.

His mood is… too tired to go chasing pirates.

I think, therefore I am. How about you? Do you think? If not, what makes you think you exist? Oh, I guess if you thought you existed, that would be you thinking. It was a silly question anyway. I guess what I’m getting at is the fact that you’ve probably heard this phrase before: “I think, Therefore I am” (Or, in the original French, “Cogito, Ergo Sum,” and in Pig Latin “Iway inkthay, ereforethay Iway amway.”). But have you ever wondered where it came from? Good thing you have a Rent A Friend like yours truly to clear up the vast mysteries.

Actually “Cogito, Ergo Sum” is Latin, but the guy who made this phrase popular was French. His name was Rene’ Descartes, and he was trying to find a way to reduce philosophy to the most basic of self-evident premises. It doesn’t get any more basic than realizing that you exist. If you need a lot of evidence to believe that you exist, just give up. You’re never going to be anything but a skeptic.
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Objective Morals and the Fish Slapping Dance

Your Rent a Friend is listening to the likes of the Killers, Foo Fighters, and Everclear thanks to Pandora.
His mood is pretty good. 58 out of 50 I’d say.

I was setting fire to old tires full of orphan kittens this morning when I realized that the only thing that has kept me from making arson (Burning down hospitals, specifically) a full time career is all the time I spend selling drugs to grade school kids as a way to fund the local chapter of the Illinois Nazis. Racism isn’t cheep you know. Not the real, fascist, genocidal kind. So, I thought I could start splitting my time between drugs and theft more efficiently by forcing other people to rob for me by threatening their wives and children with high explosives and anthrax. Every successful person has a team under them. Look at Jim Henson, Oprah, or Attila the Hun just to name a few examples. And I want my career as a Fascist polluting racist thieving drug czar to be more than just a hobby. I want it to be really big, because I want the world to be a better place. It’s a lot of work, but I really feel it’s the right thing to do.


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Kalam and the Horrendous Space Kablooie!

Your Rent a Friend is listening to the Smoking Popes (again)
His mood is pretty good, even though the coffee hasn’t entirely kicked in

If you’re like me (And even though we’ve just met, I think I can tell that you are) you don’t quickly embrace things that don’t make sense. Like Macs. I know everyone says they’re the greatest thing since shredded cheese, but EVERY TIME I touch one I wind up sitting there saying, “Why isn’t this working?” or “What’s it doing NOW?!?!” and “Does ANYONE know how this thing works?”

So I’m still working on Windows™. Unless I see some reasonable proof that Mac is better than PC, some solid evidence, I’m sticking to PC. I’m glad you have a warm relationship with your Mac. If that works for you, then I’m happy for you. But that’s not for me. If you want me to buy a Mac, you’re going to have to show me some real evidence. Something I can understand which is not only internally consistent, but makes sense of the problems I’ve had in the past and the fact that NO ONE seems to know how to make it work except Stacy, and SHE isn’t around when it starts freaking out. WHY did we even BUY this stupid thing if Stacy is the only person around here who knows how it works?!?!?!  But I digress…

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The Blind Men and the Elephant (and Zoo Keeper Adventure Steve)

Your Rent A Friend is listening to the score from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
His mood is pretty good, though his contacts are pretty dry .

Whenever people talk about the differing religions of the world, someone will come up with the following analogy, or some variation thereof. In fact, mine is a variation thereof. So there. Of.

There is a zoo where works zoo keeper Adventure Steve. He takes care of all of the animals, including an elephant named Zito. The elephant in turn takes care of his rubber duck. The rubber duck doesn’t take care of anyone. She just floats around in Zito’s water dish.

One day, a bus full of philosophers came to the zoo on a field trip. They were the Society of Smarty Pants Philosophers (the S.S.P.P.), and their field trip was also a contest (As everything is for the Society of Smarty Pants Philosophers). When they got off the bus, they were all blind folded and lead to the elephant to see who had the smartest pants (metaphorically speaking).
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Is there a Ducky in Pascal’s Box?

Your Rent a Friend is listening to Dashboard Confessional

His mood is negatively effected by cheap French Onion Soup

Are you a gambler? Do you love the thrill of tossing those dice, spinning that wheel or pulling the leaver? Are you, like me, seriously disappointed by the new slot machines where you push a button? I mean, seriously! Push a button? Pulling the leaver is half of the fun! Where else in life do you get to pull a leaver anymore? Maybe if you’re a mad scientist creating a monster in a lightning storm, but for the rest of us (Or mad scientists in nice weather I suppose) we want the leaver! Don’t take away the only interaction I have before my money disappears forever! I want a leaver to pull and spinning pictures of fruit! I’d get that feature in my next car if it were available.I myself am not really a gambling man. The primary reason is this: I will always lose. You’re better off betting against me than against the Chicago Cubs. If there are dice in my hands, I am going to lose. I think it’s my spiritual gift. Which brings me to today’s topic. What if I could offer you a bet with a certain and amazing pay off?  Yes, you have to pay in at the front, but you can’t lose anything, and you have the chance of winning vastly more than you can possibly imagine. Sound good? Let me give you a metaphor: “Is There a Ducky?”!
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