Fake Math and Flying Spaghetti Monster

Your Rent A Friend is listening to: Count Basie Radio on Pandora.com

His Mood is: Good, baby! It’s ALL good.
(Rent-a-friend’s note: The email address at which to reach me is now a hotmail address for reasons which elude me. In short, if you ever wish to email me, it will have to be at hotmail because my gmail account imploded and cannot be recovered. Like the deathstar. Poof. I knew I should have put a screen on that thermal exhaust port!)

If you’ve been reading this blog faithfully (and by the look of my stats about four of you have), you know that I have been attempting to prove the existence of Objective Truth as outlined in my Metaphysical Map. If you haven’t been reading my blog, you probably think I am on powerful drugs which are not necessarily prescription. Let me assure you all that I know exactly what I’m talking about. I am talking about TRUTH! And part of the reason I am talking about truth is because I wish to tell you about Jesus. It’s not as much of a stretch as you might think to go from Metaphysical outlines of objective truth to a Jewish carpenter who claimed to be God.
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Church Rats (Or- A Thousand Self-Righteous Christians)

One of my friends recently wrote on their on-line blog style that they had gone to a concert and found them self surrounded by “a thousand self-righteous Christians.” Right away I had several thoughts:
“A Thousand Self-Righteous Christians” would be a TERRIBLE name for a band. Ten-Thousand Maniacs had a nice ring to it. “A Thousand Self-Righteous Christians”- not so much.
I thought it surprisingly impressive that this person could, simply by being among them, determine not only their alleged faith, but the fact that they were all self-righteous as well. I wondered if they had been wearing colors to indicate this, like some weird variation on a street gang.
“White shirts with sweater vests are the Baptists, Green shirts are the Lutherans, the neon tie-dye are the Charismatics, and the Navy-Blue polo with khaki pants are the self-righteous Christians. Man, there must be a thousand of them in here.”

I wondered, if it was apparent that they were self-righteous, what made my friend think they really were Christians? Anyone who thinks they have attained Righteousness because of themselves is not a Christian. Christians can’t be SELF-Righteous. They MUST be CHRIST –righteous. The whole point of the Gospel/Bible is that no one can attain righteousness in themselves. Trying to get rid of sin with good works is like trying to get rid of cancer with regular shampooing. You’ll look clean and die anyway.

The problem is, we have no culturally accepted term for these Church-going, arrogant, loveless, religious Dooftacs. Since, like Oprah, they call themselves “Christians,” those who don’t know any better assume it must be so. We let me tell you, I can call myself an athlete because I own gym shoes and know how to work a treadmill, but that still doesn’t make me one. I doubt I’m in good enough shape to watch an entire Olympic event on TV, let alone justify self-application of that term. As they used to say in the 1980’s, “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than being in a garage makes you a car.” That was considered brilliantly witty among the northern Baptists, and it makes a valid point.

A Christian is one who has fallen to his knees, empty-handed and humbly before the Mercy of God to save them from their own sins through the atoning death of Jesus Christ. A Christian is a Christian because they have accepted the free, undeserved, merciful gift of Salvation. As the Bible puts it in the book of Galatians; “Yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified.”
You can try and play the “The Bible is open to Personal Interpretation” game, but anyone with half a brain can see that it says the same thing that Ephesians Chapter 2 says: “8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” You’ll find that, if you actually READ the Bible, it’s pretty clear. Sometimes it beats a point to death just to make sure you understand it. This is one of those points.

The apostle Paul refers to the religious nimrods who need a beating as Religious Dogs. This was before the household puppy gave the term “Dog” the nobility it enjoys today. Because of our modern love of dogs, we need a new term for the Dooftacs who unjustly use the name “Christian” for themselves. Perhaps we should try to add Church RAT to the lexicon? Rats steal and poop and spread disease, so I think it works.

Church Rats are one of two things:
1. A practical atheist who enjoys religion. These are the people who don’t REALLY believe in God, but think that, were God really there, He would be pretty impressed with them. They pretend to believe in God so they can justify showing off. “LOOK AT ME!” they seem to say. “Behold my righteousness! I am Holy as God is Holy, and so I shall condemn anyone who is different than me in ANY WAY!” Jesus used to thrown down with these dudes a lot. He did his best trash talking and name calling when trouncing these rats. In fact He called them Hypocrites.
Be encouraged.
These are any of your hate groups- godhatesfags.com, the KKK, Jessie Jackson. Even Hitler gave a shot at embracing the name of Christian to gain popular support for an idea that, I am hoping, any moron can see was unbiblical. If you can’t see how a Jewish teacher saying “Love your neighbor” differs from “Kill all the Jews” then you need to get a cat-scan and stop doing drugs right now. I’m not kidding. It might already be too late.

2. Someone who has forgotten how very much they have been forgiven. This is the man who owes his king a HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS! And, unable to pay, begs for mercy. His King, being merciful, forgives his whole debt. So far, so good. But then this Rat goes home to tell his wife the good news, and on the way runs into a guy who owes him $3.47 and demands it paid back. That dude can’t come up with the $3.47, so the recently forgiven debtor beats him real good, and throws him into debtors’ prison.
Jesus tells this story in Matthew 18, and concludes with a warning for these rats. “Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

To conclude, don’t assume someone is a Christian just because they call themselves one or have the Navy-blue polo with khakis look. Let them prove it with their lives. Look into Jesus, and judge Christianity by Christ. Judge Jesus by getting to know Jesus, and don’t let the Rats get in your way. You do that, and I promise I’ll keep recycling even though Al Gore is a dink and Greenpeace is a bunch of jerks. There’s no reason we can’t come together over this, learn to see eye to eye, and be friends. Someday we will be sitting together, watching A Thousand Self-Righteous Christians open for Foo Fighters, and making fun of the Baptists for wearing sweater vests and refusing to dance.
I have a dream.

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