Shopping for a new Outlook

I’ve been shopping for an outlook. Rose colored glasses worked for a while, but then I took them off and put them down, and now I can’t find them anymore. I even looked under the couch, and they’re just gone. So, I’m shopping.

Pessimism is very popular with the kids these days, but I fail to see why. Apparently being pessimistic makes you very “cool” or something, but since my liberation from coolness some years ago, I’ve not been too keen to go back to it. Not being cool has worked out very well for me. So I think I’ll be taking a pass on pessimism. Oh, I’ve heard the pitch, I’ve read up on the features, and I’ll be honest, I don’t think it works. It’s great on paper, but in practice it’s just destined to fail. The number one reason being that if it ever succeeded, you’d have to give it up. How can you feel positively good about the success of your pessimism? You’d be on Dr. Phil’s show, addicted to some medication before Christmas.

My slacker friends all recommended Procrastination. I don’t know if this is really an outlook, but I read the brochure, and it looked great. I told them I liked how it looked, and it comes in a wide variety of styles to choose from, and one of these days I’m going to make time to actually give it a try. I really will. I know, I’ve been saying that for ages, but you know how it is, things come up. But I’m serious, maybe next week, I will try it out myself.

I have tried apathy. It’s not bad, but I can’t say it’s all that great either. I mean, if I had to go with it, I guess I would, but I’m not really itching to. You know what I mean? I’ll admit, I didn’t read up on this one as much as I did with the others, but I couldn’t find the energy to. It’s just not inspiring. I hate to say it, but I grew bored with it rather quickly.

I was going to try ignorance, but I couldn’t find any information on it. And no one at the store could answer any of my questions. For people who don’t know their product, they do an amazing amount of business, but I imagine they have a lot of repeat customers. Some people just don’t know any better I suppose.

I looked into Intellectualism. There was a lot of information about that, but most of it wasn’t true. I looked into Freudianism, but it seemed totally crazy to me. I would have tried Marxism, but I don’t like to share. I looked into Feminism, but apparently to do that, I’d have to get some serious “upgrades” to my hardware, and that sounded painfully expensive (Or maybe just expensive and painful.). I looked into Darwinianism, but  I couldn’t even get a brochure. They guys at the store told me that the information supporting it changed so fast that they stopped printing the brochures. It wasn’t that things are evolving that quickly. Surprisingly, the problem is just the opposite.

Finally I looked into rugged individualism. It seem the goal is to be as unique as you can, and not conform to any group or subculture. But by the time I was looking into it, everyone was doing it. So, these days, I try to be different than everyone else by trying my best to fit in and conform.

I think I’ll follow my grandmother’s technique. She had a sunny outlook. Things are brighter, warmer, and you have a lot less chance of stumbling over something. And unlike my rose colored glasses, I think I’ll be seeing things in their actual color for once. From what she tells me, my future’s so bright, I’ll have to wear shades. I’m ok with that, even if I do run the risk of looking cool.

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